The Mountain and the Viper: GoT Week 8 Power Rankings

As this is the first installment of this feature, an explanation. First of all, obviously, SPOILER ALERT. If you have not seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones that aired last night, and don't want anything spoiled, don't read any further. I'll be sharing highlights of my Game of Thrones power rankings, the full list of which can be seen here. These will be written from the perspective of someone who has NOT read the books and has no idea what's coming, as best as I can, which is getting easier as the show's creators continue to forge their own paths for a number of characters.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

4) Missandei - Smoke show alert! We have a new champion for "Hottest Piece in the Known World". Girlfriend is so fine she turned out a eunuch. GET. IT. GURL.

10) Tywin Lannister - Tywin drops a little this week as he comes out of Tyrion's trial by combat with a bittersweet W. On one hand, he finally gets to rid himself of the only offspring he's ever produced that isn't a conniving, deceitful, incestuous bag of roasted privy fillings. On the other hand, he now has to explain to Dorne why he's sending back the remains of the Red Viper's face in a goddamn Ziploc.

22) Ramsay Snow Bolton - The Bastard of Bolton, newly crowned "Worst Dude in Westeros" following the Purple Wedding, is now no longer a bastard in name, having received a writ of legitimacy from his highness King Babyface. He remains a bastard in every other possible sense of the word.

Arya arriving at the Eyrie, and also
Crazytown.

35) Arya Stark - As is her custom, Arya and her dog arrive at another castle to meet with another recently deceased relative, then proceeds to understandably lose her grip on sanity. She's tantalizingly close to being reunited with her sister, for as much good as it will do her. Hopefully that whole "the entire realm wants us kill/rape us" thing will allow the long-lost sisters to look past their previous disagreements.

57) Sansa Stark - "Alayne" drops the bomb on the task force mobilized to investigate the death of Lady Crazy Face, revealing herself to be Sansa Stark and, as far as the realm is concerned, the rightful heir to Winterfell. She has a chance to finally end Littlefinger's reign of terror once and for all, but instead opts for lying to save his creeptastic head, then put on her aunt's clothes and eye-fuck the living daylights out of him to close out the scene. This girl needs Jesus the Seven.

Yeah...you tell me who won.

60) Ser Gregor Clegane - We're not sure if he's dead or not; on one hand, he's been skewered by an eight foot steel tipped pole, but on the other hand he just EXPLODED ANOTHER MAN'S FACE with that pole sticking out of his chest. Either way, we'll give him a pass from being relegated to the bottom of the rankings, where all dead men go, for at least a week.

75) Ser Jorah Mormont - Just a couple of weeks after crawling through literal shit for Daenarys, then bumping into Daario 2.0 still beaming with post-coital bliss on his way out of the Mother's bedchamber, the love-lorn exile knight has hit rock bottom, as Barristan the Bold reveals his previous falseness to the Khaleesi. Using typical woman-logic, Dany forgets about the 97 times Ser Jorah has saved her life in the time since, and drops the ban-hammer on him.

78) Tyrion Lannister - See Martell, Oberyn. He ranks one spot ahead because their deaths are inexorably linked, but Tyrion isn't officially dead yet. Hard to see him wriggling off the hook here, however. And he was oh so close to...well, probably being shanked on the way back to the black cells and tossed into a dark sewer to die.

This fantastic scream gave Ellaria Sand
serious consideration for the #1 spot.

79) Oberyn Martell - All that fancy stick-twirling and self-righteous screaming did the Red Viper very little good when he got too close to the Gregor-kabob during his revenge-fueled temper tantrum at the end of Tyrion's trial by combat. At least he got his wish of hearing Gregor admit to his deeds before the latter LITERALLY EXPLODED HIS FACE. If only he'd taken Tyrion's advice to put on a damn helm for chrissake.