Brock Turner, Explained

Brock Turner is a rapist.

Brock Turner is a lot of other things, as well, but that is now the term that defines him, the most important and relevant descriptor to use when referring to him. He is a not a swimmer, though he knows how to swim fast. He is not a former Olympic hopeful, though he once carried that dream. He is not a Stanford student, a “baby-faced … freshman”, or a “record-setting … prodigy”, no matter what The Washington Post’s glowing fluff piece might have you believe. Brock Turner is a rapist.

You’ll notice that I am using his full name throughout this piece. That’s because I never want to forget his name, and I never want you to forget it, either. In America, we sometimes have had issues with the glorification of criminals, as we give neat nicknames and write books and make movies about famous serial killers and bank robbers and their ilk. That’s not what I’m intending. I want you to remember him because that’s the only punishment we have left now that the judge in this case has done little more than deprive Brock Turner of his summer vacation.  He should be remembered, feared, reviled and alienated. He should be made to feel alone, unsafe and insecure for the rest of his life. He should be made to feel the way he made his victim felt.

There is no apology one can offer that can atone for what Brock Turner has done, but one should still be offered, freely and sincerely, nevertheless. Instead, Brock Turner has continuously and vehemently refused to accept responsibility for his actions. In his rambling, nonsensical statement to the court, he repeatedly apologized for drinking to excess, for failing to ask for the victim’s number and for bowing to peer pressure: for all the things he did not need to apologize for. He has been enabled in his quest to absolve himself from all responsibility for the horrible violence he committed by absolutely everyone around him.

Brock Turner’s father Dan, in a disgusting, tone-deaf letter unfit to be printed on the toilet paper I use to wipe my ass, decried even the trifling sentence his son did receive as “a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action.” Apparently Dan Turner doesn’t believe anyone can truly do irreparable harm to another human being in a mere 20 minutes; that such a small amount of time isn’t enough to earn someone a trip to the state prison. One imagines that he might feel differently if someone spent 20 minutes hacking his identity to empty his bank accounts, robbing him at gunpoint or doing the exact same thing his son did to him or to a member of his own family. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold murdered 13 students and injured 24 others in 17 minutes at Columbine High School. It took Adam Lanza 10 minutes to murder his mother at home, drive to Sandy Hook Elementary, and take the lives of 26 additional people, including 20 elementary school children. A lot can happen in 20 minutes.  

Then there is childhood friend Leslie Rasmussen, who shifted 50% of the blame for this rape upon Brock Turner’s victim, and the other 50% on our country’s mad descent into political correctness or, as normal people call it, treating other people with basic human decency. She actually said that “rape on campuses isn’t always because people are rapists,” which I totally get. While rapists are certainly a problem, it’s all these rapes that are being committed by non-rapists that are the real critical issue here. Are there real rapists out there? Sure. But rapes committed by people like Brock Turner aren’t the same as rapes committed by real rapists.

Finally we have judge Aaron Persky, who had the ability to put Brock Turner away for up to 14 years in state prison, but instead sentenced him to just six months in county jail. He said that he did so because “a prison sentence would have a severe impact on him.” That’s a wonderful thing, in general, for a human being to anticipate the effects that their actions might have on someone else before going ahead and doing whatever the entire shit they want to. Perhaps if Brock Turner had experienced that phenomenon for half a millisecond on the night he battered and raped an unconscious girl in an alley behind a dumpster, none of us would be here.

If you have not read the victim’s powerful letter that was read in court at his sentencing hearing, you need to do so, and you need to finish it, even when it makes you uncomfortable and is hard to get through. You need to read about her hurt, from that night and from every night since. You need to hear about her horrific experience at the hospital, being poked, prodded and photographed as nurses picked dirt and pine needles out of her hair and her genitals. You need to and so does everyone else, so that maybe next time we’ll have a judge who will enforce what begins to resemble a proper sentence, a father who is disgusted with the abhorrent acts of his son, and a friend who won’t come to the defense of a convicted rapist.

There is exactly one reason this rape happened. It wasn’t because the victim had too much to drink, and it wasn’t because Brock Turner had too much to drink. It wasn’t because of what she was wearing, how she was acting, who she was with, where she was, what she said or what she did. She was intoxicated, unconscious, and helpless, and Brock Turner forced himself inside her without her knowledge or her consent because he is a vile rapist who has been brought up in a culture that teaches people that it is a woman’s responsibility to prevent herself from being violated, and not a man’s responsibility to refrain from violating her.

Look at that photo. That is how you should remember Brock Turner. Not as a swimmer, or a student, but as a criminal, with news cameras in his face. Brock Turner is a rapist, no matter what he, his father, his friends, or Judge Persky has to say. He does not need to accept responsibility or admit guilt for that to be the case. In his statement he spoke of how one night of drinking has the capacity to ruin a life, somehow referring only to his own with a straight face as the woman he destroyed listened in stunned silence. Brock’s father Dan said that his son’s life “has been deeply altered forever” and that he’ll “never be his happy go lucky self” again. Neither will his victim, you god damned lunatic. His friend Leslie said, “He’s not a monster.” Yes, he sure as hell is. Brock Turner is a rapist. Remember and beware.

WE'VE MOVED

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The Tinder Chronicles, Chapter One: The Worst First Date of All Time

One year ago this Monday, I went on the worst first date of all time. What follows is a 100% true accounting of the events of that fateful night in rough draft, stream of consciousness form, which is the only appropriate way to describe that night:

I'd been using Tinder for about 4 months at the time, and had finally started to settle into something of a rhythm. I'd put several methods of breaking the ice to spark a conversation to the test, ranging from the normal, ("Hey, how are you?") to the nerdy ("What's your favorite book?") to the downright strange ("You must be my appendix, because I don't really understand you, but I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that really makes me want to take you out.¹). I wish I could tell you what I used to open with Megan, friends, I really and truly do, but I didn't start making notes about such things until much later in my Tinder adventure. Regardless, whatever it was worked, and a rolling conversation that took place intermittently over a two week span began. Eventually, I was able to finagle a phone number out of her, and things progressed at a bit more rapid of a pace from that point.

Meanwhile, I had begun my investigation. Using advanced detective techniques² I was able to discern the full name of the young lady and cull what little information I could from the public parts of her Facebook profile (You can call that weird if you want, but I think it's more weird to walk into a date with nothing but a first name. To each their own I suppose). This being my first potential real-life Tinder date (I'd previously been cancelled on by Holly, who would months later move to Las Vegas to begin her career as a pornographic actress), I was eager to vet the subject before proceeding forward. I asked a mutual friend (we had three) about the young lady, and was able to confirm that she was every bit the cute, fun and outgoing lady I believed I'd met -- er, so to speak. A date is set for Saturday at

Lakefront Brewery
7:00 pm

It's awkward at first, which is on me. She's all smiles, outgoing and pressing the conversation froward. I haven't been on a date with someone I didn't already know pretty well....ever. She tells me that she's already "a little tipsy" because she had a couple of drinks with her co-workers after their shift ended -- she's a waitress at an area pub. Perfect. I drink like a fish, you can keep up. She also let's me know that she's got to up bright and early tomorrow morning -- she has a brunch shift starting at 7 am. I offer my condolences.

As we sit at the table fumbling through the small talk we haven't already covered prior to meeting, sipping our beers (she keeps poking fun at me for taking tiny child sips. I'm nervous, I'm sorry) and waiting for our tour to begin, she strikes up a conversation with what in the aftermath I interpreted as a pair of gay men. We are invited to join them, and do so for a time, chatting amiably. Later, after they have left for their tour, she again briefly strikes up conversation with another adjacent group joining us on our tour, this time an out of town bachelor party. It's begun.

The tour proceeds, and she's among the most vocal of the group, but not to the point of being disruptive. Good. I'm criminally shy, I need someone to push me to be more outgoing. We drink our allotted four 6-oz. pours, plus a couple extra on the house from some friends who are working behind the bar tonight. "Atta boys" are offered and gladly accepted. The world is watching tonight, Travis, and they're rooting for you. Don't let them down. The tour ends and we remain chatting with our new bachelor party friends.

A moment of concern: She tells the party that she's actually just 19 years old, and in town visiting from West Virginia. I have no worries, as my previous investigation confirmed that she was a 25-year-old from the central part of southern Wisconsin, and the bachelor party isn't particularly moved to believe her tale either, and nothing comes of the yarn, which is spun then dropped in a fine minute span. It's an odd moment, notable only in retrospect as a shadow of what's to come.

The brewery is closing and it's time to leave. One member of the bachelor party says they're searching for a nearby strip club, and asks if I have a recommendation for one that is especially seedy. I tell them I've never been to Art's Performing Center, but it's very close by and I've heard tales of it's filthiness. They jokingly invite us to join them, and Megan jokingly accepts. In a blur, the issue escalates in a flurry of challenges and laughter. Taxis are summoned for half the group, the other half are committed to the back seat of my car, and the matter is settled. We're going to

Art's Performing Center
9:00 pm

It is at this point that many of you are most likely thinking, "Well, gee Travis, you didn't have to go to this strip club on your first date. You could and should have said, 'Well, if you're going to head to this strip club, Megan, then I'm out, have a nice night.' Why did you go?" The answer is very simple: had I left that night at this point, when I should have, you'd not get to read what follows. I did it for you, America. Because I love you.

Before entering, I tried to imagine what this hole-in-the-wall strip club tucked in between a pizza place and a college bar might look like on the inside, and had come up with something roughly equivalent to the bar Nancy Callahan was performing in at the beginning of Sin City, with Jessica Alba replaced with someone several orders of magnitude less attractive on the stage, and the whole thing shrunk down to about 1/3rd it's size. This proved fairly accurate, with the added element of a pervasive blue that infested every inch of the place.

Megan got set right to work, setting up the bachelor's father with a lap dance while the rest of the party paid for a lap dance for the groom. She darted around from performer, to me, to the dad, back to me, to the groom, back to me, etc. She kissed me each time she came back and asked me if I was having fun, to which I very honestly replied that I was. She seemed at home in the club. She chatted with performers on stage about their pets.

The men of the bachelor party are not oblivious to the destruction that has been wrecked upon a previously innocent evening. This conversation happens three times:

Bachelor Party Attendee: Oh, man, Travis (we're on a first name basis now, it's fine), I'm so sorry, man. We totally blew up your first date.
Travis: It's fine, man. <shrugs, laughing>
BPA: You having fun though?
Travis: Absolutely. Definitely not what I expected from the night, but I'm having a blast.
BPA: So, you're never going to call this girl again, right?
Travis: Absolutely not.
BPA: Let's go grab another beer.

Rounds are bought, toasts are raised, breasts are bared and a surreal night is nearing a conclusion. The bachelor party is heading out soon, in search of another venue for their tour of Brew Town debauchery.

Megan (to the group): I know a place even dirtier than this place. Much dirtier.
Travis: There's no way that's true.

Oh no.

What have I done.

Taxis are summoned, and I'm ushered in.

Taxi driver: Where are you all headed?

The Spotlight
11:30 pm

To her credit, Megan was absolutely right. The Spotlight was not only most assuredly dirtier than Art's Performing Center, it just may be the single worst building I've ever stepped inside of. Imagine a real life version of Frank Reynolds, but add 30-50 pounds (you know, because Wisconsin), and stick a very sad looking young-ish girl wearing mostly nothing on his lap. There are three of these on one side of the bar. Throw another one of the girls up on the 6x6 stage rung with red rope lights, dancing slowly in front of the blacked-out windows at the front of the bar. The whole place smelled like that beer-water mix at the bottom of the tub a half-barrel sits in the morning after a college house party. Miller Lites cost $2.50. TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS AT THE DANG TITTY BAR. The Spotlight is like if Nickleback was a place you could go visit. No one should ever go there.

One-on-ones with members of the bachelor party persist throughout the night. They've been drinking for a while now. They've grown increasingly malignant.

BPA: Bro, haha I'm sorry we took over your first date.
Travis: Hey, man, it's all good. <shakes head, laughing> It's been quite a night.
BPA: Totally bro. Man, Megan is drunk as F*$%! You know you gotta hit that tonight, right? You can't date this girl, bro, she's crazy.
Travis: Ha. Um.
BPA: Haha totally man. Hit it and quit it, man. Yeah!

Megan is sitting on one of the chair near the stage alone, swaying slowly. Frank Reynolds is chomping on pretzels at the other side of the bar, while a very sad looking young lady without a shirt on sits on his lap. I'm uncomfortable. I've had enough. We linger for what feels like hours, but take a taxi back toward the east side a bit after midnight: the boys are looking to keep drinking somewhere a little closer to where they'll be staying. As soon as we get in the cab, Megan passes out on my shoulder. Good. I can get her in the car and take her home. As soon as we arrive, she wakes up.

Travis: Okay, Megan, my car's right over there, I'll get you home.
Megan: <to the group> Where are we going?!
BPA: Um... well, we're going to

Duke's On Water
1:00 am

She'll have none of this "go home" nonsense, and now my internal decision to stick this night out until the end has expired, and it's time to reevaluate some things. Shoulder devils and angels are consulted, pros and cons are quickly debated and the decision to carry on is grudgingly made, based largely on the fact that I'm not sure this girl will ever make it home if I leave her now. She slumps onto a stool and almost immediately falls asleep sitting upright -- her ability to remain on the stool while unconscious was impressive. Each time she nodded off, I advised her that it might be time to leave. She remained steadfast in her commitment to the party. You have to admire that kind of stamina.

A plan formulated in my mind to finally end the night, and I was able to convince some of the more noble remaining members of the bachelor party to assist me in making a big show of leaving the bar to head to the next venue. Once we'd gotten her outside, they circled back into Duke's and I bid them all a silent farewell as I loaded the barely conscious young lady into the passenger seat of my Buick LeSabre (I've since upgraded my wheels, you guys, don't write letters). I don't know where those men are today, but I can assure you they'll never forget us, and were a reunion possible I would jump at the chance. What a ride we took together.

Scraping the last gooey bits of coherence from the bottom of Megan's fading consciousness, I was able obtain an address, somewhere back in West Milwaukee. It helped, but after dozens of "You will not believe WTF is happening to me right now" texts I'd sent out over the course of the last few hours, by phone's battery had run dry, and I would have to make this run without the help of my trusty Google Maps. My urban navigation skills were taxed, but after a few wrong turns (thank almighty god she lived on a numbered street), I was able to locate the premises around 2:30 in the morning. Megan never woke during the drive home.

Half leading, half carrying Megan to the door, she handed me a key ring that would have made any self-respecting janitor proud, but after a half dozen educated guesses, I successfully unlocked the door and marched the shambling corpse to her bed. Leaving her keys on the table next to her bed, I was finally free to go.

I woke up the next morning to a snapchat from Megan, a selfie from work at 7:00 am: "Rough morning."

I just bet it was.

Bucky's Beer Cheese Co. is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Any rebroadcast, re-transmission or account of this post without the express, written consent of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Club is strongly encouraged and appreciated.

¹ This worked once. I swear to god. I said this to an adult human person and later on she kissed me on purpose.
² I searched for her first name through the friends list of one of our mutual friends. 

Travis's Mailbag #1

Well hello there, folks. Guess what it's a new feature of Bucky's Beer Cheese Co. (that is the name of my blog but don't worry it doesn't matter), it's Travis's Mailbag. This new feature will appear pretty much every time I think it's time to do one. It includes real questions from actual readers people I know. Some of the questions are about sports, some are not. I hope you like it. If you don't, please send all complaints to a therapist, they're awesome at listening.

That analogy was in no way a thinly vieled
excuse to use a picture of JLaw².

What difference in performance will we see this weekend in the Green Bay offense against Seattle with three key scratches (Davante Adams, Bryan Bulaga and Eddie Lacy) from week one that are now available and playing well?

-Ian F., Kenosha, WI

Comparing the Packers offense in week one of 2014 to the Packers offense in, say, November, when the Packers averaged 39.5 points per game, is like comparing the attractiveness of pre-pixie cut¹ Jennifer Lawrence to the burned side of Harvey Dent's face. Sure, you can do it, but you shouldn't, because you'll only wear yourself out and really it's rather irresponsible.   

Green Bay's offensive line in week one featured Derrick Sherrod, who might represent Ted Thompson's greatest draft failure of his ten year run as the Packers GM, starting for the injured Bulaga; and Corey Linsley, a fourth round draft pick pressed into a starting role due to JC Tretter's injury. The Packers were abused by Seattle's defensive line; Sherrod posted a PFF grade of -6.4 for the game (an explanation of their grading process is here, but -6.4 was the lowest of the game, and among the lowest in the league that week) while being exposed repeatedly in pass protection by Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett. Linsley was also ineffective, which you might expect from a rookie playing his first meaningful snaps against the defending Super Bowl champions in the most hostile environment in the NFL.

Now, the Packers have one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, with Bulaga now healthy and Linsley, with a season's worth of experience under his very large belt, playing like one of the top centers in the league. They also have a couple more weapons in the passing game with the emergence of Adams and Richard Rodgers, and of course they have Lacy, who looked like a Trent Richardson starter kit over the first several weeks of the season but has emerged now as one of the NFL's premier running backs.

All of this leads us here: were Aaron Rodgers healthy, there's nothing about the Seahawks that really scares me, and I would expect a comfortable win for Green Bay. But he's not, and the loss of his mobility is something the Packers will miss even more against Seattle's dangerous defensive line. Rodgers will have to be much closer to 100% than he was last Sunday for the Packers to have a legitimate chance to advance past Seattle. I don't know if they can do it THE PACKERS ARE GOING TO WIN BY 600 POINTS.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

-Megan L. (@megan_leonard), Lake Geneva, WI

First of all, we need to define some of our terms here. The woodchuck, more commonly known as the groundhog when not starring in North American tongue twisters, is a rodent that belongs to the family of large ground squirrels known as marmots. Groundhogs, common throughout North America, are excellent swimmers and burrowers in addition to their well-documented revulsion toward their own shadows and lackluster meteorological skills. To chuck, according to Webster's dictionary, is to toss, throw or discard something.

So how much wood would a groundhog throw, if it could throw wood? When digging it's burrow, a groundhog moves about 35 cubic feet of dirt. The wood of a sugar maple tree weighs approximately 56 pounds per cubic foot. So a woodchuck would chuck about 1960 pounds of wood, if a woodchuck only could.

Are there hats?

-Brett H. (@bhtherightway), Madison, WI

Unfortunately, there are no hats at the present time.

Despite a passing resemblance to Number Eight,
it is unlikely that Wang is a Cylon.

Will Wei-Chung Wang ever develop into the pitcher the Brewers hope he will?

-Cael K. (@calejames), East Troy, WI

That depends on what sort of pitcher the Brewers hope Wang will be. At the minimum, based on their actions to date, you have to assume that the baseline is "at least the sort of pitcher that justifies torpedoing your own bullpen in a year in which you were in first place for five months as you consistently overused young pitchers in high leverage situations, causing them to burn out in June both physically and mentally, as the team played basically a man down for four months until you were able to find a doctor to lie about a phantom injury long enough to hide him on the disabled list, thus circumventing the spirit of the Rule 5 draft process."  In that scenario, you're looking at Wang needing to be a Cylon (nerd check) specifically engineered to be the greatest baseball pitcher of all time, consistently hitting 145-150 mph on the gun and treating the inside corner of the plate like the roof of the Sistine Chapel.

Do I think Wang can be that? Not really. If anything, Cylons would have been engineered to play Pyramid, which is a boring game anyway, and he has yet to exhibit the kind of mechanics that might be able to produce those kind of eye-popping fastball speeds.

Why is purple?

-Rob Z., Waukesha, WI

Oh, we got a wise guy, eh?

What is the greatest boy band of all time?

Stephanie, C., Racine, WI

What is a boy band?

-You need a collection of boys making music (you know, because words mean things)

-No instruments. If I so much as see a guitar string, you're out (sorry, Hanson)

-If you weren't managed by Lou Pearlman, that's not a good sign (if you were managed by Lou Pearlman, that's not really great either)

-No writing your own music. Are you kidding me? Out of the question. Get real.

Fine, fine, FINE. We know what this comes down to. After the jump:

The Backstreet Boys are the best boy band of all time. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! Look, N*Sync was great. The video for "Bye Bye Bye" was iconic, Tearin' Up My Heart is a dope track, and their Christmas album is as important at holiday gatherings as the the damn cheese and crackers. But we are talking about the Backstreet Boys here. Millennium is one of the greatest albums of all time, and went Platinum 13 times in the United States. THIRTEEN DAMN TIMES! They invented Diamond, a certification better than Platinum³, in Canada because the Backstreet Boys sold too many dang records. "I Want It That Way" belongs in the Library of Congress, and if you sing it in a crowded karaoke bar it will cause all ladies within earshot to fall in love with you⁴.

In your opinion, why, when Thom Yorke of Radiohead and Bjork worked together, did they not call Byorke or Thom Bjork or anything like that?
-Adam G. (@AmadJames), Milwaukee, WI

First of all, let's clarify something. Nothing read here is "my opinion"; this collection of molten-hot takes is comprised entirely of verified, indisputable facts⁴. Now, I don't know anything about either of these artists. The only thing I know about Radiohead is that they are Scott Tenorman's favorite band, which means I absolutely want nothing to do with them, because Scott Tenorman sucks. The entire sum of my knowledge of Bjork and her work comes from the following classic Celebrity Jeopardy clip from SNL, which you will now watch before continuing with my mailbag (if you don't watch it, I'll know).

Anyway, the answer to your question, most likely, is poor management. In the high-stakes business of Icelandic folk rock, it's important to brand your image correctly, and this was obviously a missed opportunity. 

Why isn't Flint Flossy everyone's favorite rapper?
-Jesse D., Whitewater, WI

It's Flynt, Jesse, and he is. Ladies love F dot Floss, Flynt Flo double, Internatioknown, ya feel me. You know better than that. Ol' McFlossy had a freak so E I E I E I E I OHH.

The hat I'm talking about. It is
real and it definitely exists.

Who was your favorite obese Brewers bullpen pitcher, and why?
-Cael K. (@calejames), East Troy, WI

This one's easy: Ray King. My boy was 6'1" and listed at 225 pounds (yeah...naw), and the hefty lefty (h/t Jared Lorenzen) mowed fools down in his first season with the Crew in 2000. His strong debut and our shared southpaw status made Burger a fan favorite in the Sarandos household.

My fun story involving Ray: my dad took me to the MLB Fan Fest when the All-Star game came to Milwaukee in 2001. We hopped in line at the Fox Sports North booth, where Ben Sheets was on hand to tape faux Sports Center-type clips with young fans along with a couple other players and the Brewers TV broadcast team. I had my hat signed by both Sheets and Ray King, who was at the time my favorite player. As we made our way through the line, Bill Schroeder asked me if I wanted his autograph as well. I really didn't, but 14-year-old me had the grace to not shoot the poor guy down, so Rock signed the hat too. I then went on to make my on-screen debut. The almost certain fact that the video of me awkwardly reading a fake sports highlight clip next to Ben Sheets is going to re-surface during my wedding reception remains a constant source of anxiety for me.




What is true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry?
-Matt H., Salt Lake City, UT

We never get to marry Mallory Voelker. We don't even date. However, she does invite us to play four square once in 5th grade. You'll be shocked to learn that she knows your name, even though there's only 25 dang kids in your class, and it will be the highlight of your time at Magee Elementary. Other things that may upset you to learn: the Brewers still haven't won the World Series, they made a The Lion King 2 and it's just awful, and we're going back to school at age 27 on purpose.

What is love, and why does Haddaway keep asking that after all these years?
-Stephen J. (@johnsonsd04), Rockford, IL

Love is when her favorite girl from The Bachelor doesn't get a rose, and she's crying she's so upset about it, and you pretend like that's not absolutely insane. The reverse of this is any woman tolerating our reaction to every sports game ever. Haddaway only keeps asking that question because you keep listening to that song, which is really only acceptable if you're watching 1990s SNL. Get your life together, son, that's my advice to you. Start listening to better music. Like Taylor Swift.

Travis's Mailbag was filmed in front of a live studio audience. Any rebroadcast, re-transmission or account of this mailbag without the express, written consent of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Club is strongly encouraged and appreciated.

¹Pixie cuts are awful. "BUT THAT'S SEXIST WOMEN DON'T HAVE TO DO THEIR HAIR THE 'CORRECT' WAY JUST TO PLEASE YOU!" No you don't that's correct but I don't have to like what you like. I also don't like mayonnaise or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Please note: post-pixie cut JLaw is still an absolute smoke show. 
²Yes it was.
³I don't know if Canada invented the Diamond certification specifically for the Backstreet Boys. Probably not.
⁴This is not true.

The 1989 Brewers: Milwaukee's Baseball Team according to Taylor's Magnum Opus

This is the unedited , real, not altered in MS Paint version of
Taylor's 1989 album cover. She is actually a huge Brewers fan.*

Well you guys, it's been a couple weeks since I've given you anything to read from the mind of Travis Sarandos, and I know you've been left wanting. Well I'm here to feed you, baby birds, and we're going to fill a void in the sports blogging world that has too long been lacking: rabid Brewers baseball fans who are also obsessed with Taylor Swift's fifth album, 1989. "Well Travis," you might be thinking, "well, I'm pretty sure there's only one person who fits that extremely specific set of variables and guess what it's you." And I have just one thing to say to you.

Shut up.

That's right, we're going to run through 1989's track list and find a Brewer to match up with each song. This is groundbreaking sports blog territory IMO. If that sounds like something you're not sure you want to read then might I suggest completely altering the direction you've taken in your miserable life.

1) Welcome to New York - Jimmy Nelson

The lights are so bright, but they never blind me.

After putting up eye popping numbers at AAA Nashville (R.I.P) in the first part of 2014, Nelson was brought up to The Show for good in May to give Marco Estrada some time off to heal from the self-induced whiplash acquired watching a preposterous number of home runs fly over his dumb head. He failed to match the lofty expectations of fans who don't realize how difficult it is to jump from AAA to MLB, but was effective enough to retain a spot in the rotation for most of the season as the Brewers suffered through a rash of mid-season injuries.

Nelson is currently ticketed for the bullpen in 2015 after Mike Fiers' sizzling second half (more on that later). That's not good enough for the Brewers' former top prospect. With nearly a year's worth of experience now at the MLB level, the Brewers need Nelson to start realizing his potential as a front line starter.

2) Blank Space -Allen Craig 

We are prepared to forgive your past,
Allen. No one is perfect.

'Cause I got a blank space, and I'll write your name.

The Brewers acquisition of Adam Lind from the Toronto Blue Jays in exchange for Estrada signaled that, although the team recognized the desperate need to upgrade their production at first base, they had no intention of moving away from the platoon system they installed out of necessity when absolutely every first baseman in the organization broke down during the spring of 2012. Lind mashes right handed pitching, but carries an abyssmal .212/.257/.331 slash line against south paws.

Enter Craig, the erstwhile St. Louis Cardinal who can, in fact, hit against LHP occasionally. The Boston Red Sox are known to be actively shopping Craig, whom they acquired last season as part of the deal that sent John Lackey to the Cardinals. Craig would fit in nicely in the black space in the middle of the Brewers order, and would gladly be accepted into the fold to be rehabilitated after spending years being brainwashed under the Cardinal Way.

3) Style - Carlos Gomez

And when we go crashing down, we come back every time, 'cuz we never go out of style.

Gomez fills a role that nearly every team has: the guy who is loved dearly by his team's fans, but everyone else's fans can't stand him. He's like your loud drunk friend: you love him, but everyone else in the bar wants to fire him into the sun out of a cannon. Gomez is an absolute treat to watch as he regularly flings his body to the ground and into walls and other people in an effort to make the extraordinary play. Anyone who hates Gogo can get 100% real.

4) Out of the Woods - Ryan Braun

Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet?

Boy, it's been a rough couple of years for Ryan, huh? Three years ago, the only real knock anyone had against him was that he had his own line of Affliction t-shirts and he looked like a god dang tool in his Kwik Trip commercial. Since, he's etched his gigantic-eyed face on the Mount Rushmore of Reviled PED Users right next to Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens, sat out a half season due to suspension, spent several weeks on the disabled list due to a series of troublesome chronic injuries, and struggled to produce at anywhere near even all-star level, let alone the eye-popping stat line that made him the controversial 2011 National League MVP.

So will we ever see anything close to the Ryan Braun of old? After going through an innovative procedure to try to correct the nerve issue plaguing his thumb that has sapped him of his power, Braun became one of the first members of Team #BSOHL for 2015 by announcing that his thumb was "100 percent" for the first time in two years. Whether or not Braun is finally out of the woods with respect to his injured thumb will be one of the biggest factors affecting the Brewers' success in 2015.

Why Prince. Why would you do this.

5) All You Had To Do Was Stay - Prince Fielder

Well, could have been easy, all you had to do was stay.

Well, well, well. Look who it is, look what the cat dragged in. After missing just 1 game in the five previous years combined, Fielder played in just 42 games in his debut season with Texas and was largely a disappointment when he was on the field, leading to some frustration from Rangers fans who wonder why their team traded for a 30-year-old under contract for six more years that regularly flirts with 300 lbs. The Brewers, meanwhile, have tried absolutely everything to try to replace Prince's production since his departure 4 years ago: Corey Hart worked for a year before his body broke down, as did Mat Gamel's (though he failed to produce at all anyway), they tried a novel approach of "how about a bunch of bad shortstops is our first baseman now" in 2013, then tried to channel 2005 with the Ren-O platoon last year. What I'm trying to say here, clearly, is all you had to do was stay, Prince. We'd have made you a king. And I bet SOMEONE in the Milwaukee locker room would have been a bro and stopped you from doing ESPN's Body Issue.

6) Shake It Off - Troy Tulowitzki

Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world, you could've been getting down to this. sick. beat.

We've already re-hashed Braun's self-inflicted tribulations today, so we won't beat a dead horse YES WE WILL. The Brewers drafted baseball's biggest tool with the fifth overall pick in 2005 in what may have been the most loaded draft class of all time. Who was the seventh pick that year well guess what it was Troy Tulowitzki. Tulo's had issues throughout his career with staying on the field, but when he's been healthy, he's provided a corner outfield bat while being among the best defenders in the league at a premium position. It's impossible to speculate of course, but I can guarantee the Brewers would be 3-time World Series champions had they drafted Tulo over Braun.

7) I Wish You Would - Yovani Gallardo

You always knew how to push my buttons. You give me everything and nothing.

Speaking of Braun, it boggles my mind that Yovani remains a beloved member of the Brewers after putting lives in danger when he was arrested for DUI, but Braun has been blackballed for hurting really nothing except his own reputation. There's a lot of things we'll forgive as a sports-loving society: DUI, manslaughter, running a dog fighting ring, domestic violence, gambling addiction, probably murdering someone, etc. But by god if you cheat by giving yourself an unfair advantage while playing a children's game and then lie to protect yourself, well that we just can't forgive.

Anyway, Yovani has been a frustrating player over his eight year career, showing flashes of ace-status for a while and then seemingly losing his way for months at a time. We'll see who shows up in 2015.

8) Bad Blood - St. Louis Cardinals

Did you have to hit me where I'm weak baby I couldn't breathe and rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me?

The Cardinals are the worst. If the Brewers are Taylor Swift, the Cardinals are John Mayer. My second favorite baseball team in the world is whichever team is playing the dang Cardinals. Rooting for the Arizona Cardinals football team made me viscerally ill last month. I hope all the Cardinals have to go to superhell for 500 years when they die.

9) Wildest Dreams - Jim Henderson

Say you'll see me again, even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

The Brewers bullpen put up some incredible numbers over the first two months of 2014, then really fell off a cliff as guys like Will Smith and Tyler Thornburg started to break down from overuse due largely to Jim Henderson prolonged absence and the Brewers' steadfast refusal to admit the Wei-Chung Wang experiment had been a colossal failure. Henderson wound end up missing the remained of the year after making just 14 disappointing appearances, following a question-filled spring that led to him shockingly ceding the closer role to K-Rod on Opening Day. Not coincidentally, the Brewers slide back to mediocrity followed the same timeline. If Henderson can come back and return to his 2013 form, it should help shore up a thin Brewers bullpen.

10) How You Get The Girl - Gilbert Lara

I want you for worse or for better, I would wait forever and ever

Before last summer, the Brewers had never spent more than $800,000 on an international signing. They nearly tripled that when they spent $3.1 million to sign Lara, No. 4 on MLB.com's Top 30 international prospects list. It'll be a long while before the 16-year-old power-hitting shortstop will arrive at the major league level, but he has one of the highest upsides in the Brewers' improving farm system.

11) This Love - Jean Segura

When you're young, you just run, but you come back to what you need.

It's no secret young Jean struggled at the plate, producing at a rate that was troublingly more similar to the second half of his rookie year, rather than the first half that made him an all-star in 2013. So if the bat just isn't going to be there, Jean is going to have to rely on the two tools he still has in his belt: his glove and his speed. Just run, Jean. Run, and never look back. Well, okay, you can look back. But don't lose track of where you started. Well, okay, you can lose track of where you started. Just don't...

...you know what? Never mind. You do you, Jean.

12) I Know Places - Jeremy Jeffress

I know places we won't be found and they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down 'cause I know places we can hide.

Jeffress was once considered the top prospect in Brewers system, but he wore out his welcome when repeated failed drug tests left him one missstep away from a lifetime ban and was traded in a package to the Royals for Yuniesky Betancourt and a pitcher. He was sold to Toronto after a disappointing turn with Kansas City, and the Brewers brought him back the Blue Jays cut him last year. Jeffress shined over the last half of 2014, turning into one of Roenicke's most dependable relievers. Now safely in MLB where they don't test for marijuana use, Jeremy is safe from the punishment that threatened to end his career. Go ahead and toke up^, Jeremy, you've earned it.

13) Clean - Ron Roenicke

The drought was the very worst, when the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst. It was months and months of back and forth...

The drought the Brewers went through in the back half of 2014 is one most die-hards won't soon forget, as we watched a blossoming team whither and die on live TV night after night. And you know, you just never want to be that guy. If you have any sense at all, you don't want to be the guy that's screaming for the manager's head when the team fails to meet expectations. So, I'm not trying to be that guy. I'm really not.

But you have a team that was 19 games over .500 with a 6.5 game lead on the rest of the division on June 28th, and then went 31-48 the rest of the way to not only blow the division but miss the playoffs by a wide margin. You have to figure out what happened and who should be held accountable. And when you take a look at what went wrong for the 2014 Brewers, the answer is, "absolutely dadgum everything." Over the final three months of the season, the Brewers hit, pitched and fielded like a drinking team with a softball problem. They found new and exciting ways to lose games seemingly twice a week. They made the types of errors that get weeded out when games still end with Capri Suns and orange slices. So maybe Ron Roenicke is a good manager, and maybe the players just let him down. Or maybe how in the world does he still have this job? My god.

See Taylor is a baseball fan this is not ridiculous at all.

14) Wonderland -  Mike Fiers

We found Wonderland, you and I got lost in it, and we pretended it could last forever. 

Fiers had a dream season in 2014. Pressed into the major league rotation after starting the season in AAA, he recorded a 2.13 ERA with 76 strikeouts in 71.2 innings, and was over the final two months of the season seemingly the only Brewers regular who had any interest in winning baseball games. We've seen this act from Fiers before though, when he burst on the scene in 2012 only to fall apart in September as major league hitters got a chance to watch film and adapt to his tendencies, a trend that continued into an injury plagued 2013 season. It's probably silly to pretend that Fiers can produce at that level going forward, but maybe we've found Wonderland. 

15) You Are In Love - Jonathan Lucroy

'Cause you can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out. you're in love, true love.

The rest of the league found out what Brewers fans already knew during Lucroy's breakout season in 2014: that's he's one of the best young catchers in baseball. What's not to love? He led the league in doubles, setting a record for doubles by a catcher along the way, en route to a sparkling .837 OPS which earned him a fourth place finish in MVP voting. We already knew he was capable of this, of course, as Lucroy actually posted a higher OPS and slash line in his 2012 season that was cut short by a totally normal, ordinary everyday sports injury. Lucroy has swiftly filled the "face of the franchise" void vacated by Braun two years ago. 

16) New Romantics - Matt Garza

We hang back, it's all in the timing. It's poker, he can't see it in my face but I'm about to play by ace.

Garza's Brewers career got off the a rough start. After a tough luck loss in his debut in which he allowed just one run on two hits over eight innings, Garza struggled mightily, and his ERA ballooned to nearly 5 at the end of May. He seemed to flip a switch as the calendar turned however, and was the Brewers best pitcher by a wide margin for two months until his yearly injury robbed the Brewers of their ace at the worst possible time. The Brewers will need June and July Matt to show up more often in 2015, and hope that their ace can stay healthy for a majority of the year.

*This is not true. It is assumed Taylor just actively roots against the favorite team of whichever Hollywood hunk she most recently engaged in a public break-up with.

^Bucky's Beer Cheese Co. does not condone the recreational use of marijuana, which is considered a controlled substance by the state of Wisconsin. Stay in school and don't do drugs.

Fun Christmas Trivia with Travis

Well the holidays can be a real stressful time, huh? Long trips, planning events and dealing with extended family can be a tall task, not to mention the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and maintaining your budget (and your waistline! wink wink) as we head into a new year. Boy, wouldn't it be nice to take a step back for a minute, relax* and think about some fun Christmas trivia?

Well I'm here to help, pals. With the holiday spirit in mind I, your intermittent Wisconsin sports and entertainment blogger, have compiled a couple of amusing Christmas-themed facts, which you can use to impress your friends at your next ugly sweater party. Ho ho ho!

Gingerbread is a below average treat

1) Gingerbread isn't that good. On a desserts scale of 1-10, where one is black licorice and ten is Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake (the indisputable king of cakes and of sweets in general), gingerbread cookies are about a three. If you are at a Christmas party with a dessert table, the gingerbread cookies are almost certainly in the bottom half of your available options.

2) 'Xmas' is not a mean-spirited abbreviation of Christmas invented by the secular world to insult Christians and "take the Christ out of Christmas." The X comes from the first letter of the Greek word for Christ, 'chi', which is represented by a symbol very similar to the letter X. If you are a Christian who is offended by Xmas you should not be, and if you are a non-Christian who intends offense by it, you are doing a very bad job and should explore other options. For instance, you could try not being a dick.

3) The best Christmas movie is Elf. Other Christmas movies that are good include Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown, Home Alone, Dr. Suess' How The Grinch Stole Chirstmas! (1966 animated version only), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Mickey's Christmas Carol. The preceding list is not comprehensive.

4) Die Hard would be on the preceding list if it were a Christmas movie, but it is not.

5) The answer to "Is The Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie?" is yes.

This is not a magical "consent not
required" plant. 

6) If you kiss an unwilling member of the opposite sex but you held mistletoe above their head first, you have still committed fourth degree sexual assault. If you do this to your spouse or significant other, you have committed being adorable, and it is advised that your partner put a ring on it, should they have failed to do so previously.

7) The Best Christmas song is "Baby, It's Cold Outside". This is tied to the fact that Elf is the best Christmas movie. It is strongly advised to maintain a cohesive Christmas entertainment experience.

8) It is appropriate to listen to Christmas music at any time from December 23-December 26, and at any and all holiday themed events and gatherings during the months of December and January. It is not advisable to play Christmas music at any other time.

9) If you are a non-Christian who is offended when a stranger wishes you a "Merry Christmas" while you are out in public during the Christmas season, an appropriate response would be for you to shut up.

10) The year that a child transitions from being disappointed about receiving clothes for Christmas (As opposed to toys, not nothing. Be grateful, kids.) to being glad is one of the earliest indicators of the onset of adulthood, and should be met with praise.

11) The celebration of Christmas on December 25th likely has it's origins in pagan holidays celebrating the winter solstice. The actual birth of Christ was probably closer to nobody cares at all, just eat the damn cookies.

Santa was invented in the 1930s by Coca-Cola to sell soda or
he really exists if there are children present.^

12) Santa Claus does not exist, except in our collective imaginations. The men dressed as Santa Claus at malls and at holiday events are paid actors or volunteers. However, it is strictly forbidden to reveal this fact to any child under the age of 12. To do so, even accidentally, is tantamount to child abuse. It is best to pretend that Santa Claus is real if you even suspect there might be a child within a two mile radius.

13) The correct main dish for Christmas dinner is glazed ham. The turkey was for Thanksgiving, and you should be saving your steak and shrimp for next week's New Year's Day party. If you are a vegetarian, you are not a vegetarian on Christmas.

14) The earliest you are allowed to put up Christmas lights and decorations is the day after Thanksgiving. They may remain up until you damn well feel like taking them down because it's really cold outside and you're kind of tired, so everyone just chill out already. In colder climates, it is permissible to simply wait until Easter rolls around and replace all decorations at that time, however lights may not be activated after the new year.

15) Although poinsettias have a bad rap, they are in fact only mildly toxic to household pets and contact with the traditional Christmastime plant rarely requires medical attention. Also, just don't put your plants on the floor and train your pets to stay off of tables and you won't have a problem, will you? Don't be lazy pet owner.

*Relax™ used with permission of Aaron Rodgers, Jason Wilde and 540 ESPN
^Neither of these claims is true (unless there are children present)

How to cope with this week: A guide for Brewers fans

The Brewers are currently in the midst of a harrowing six game stretch that sees them play the Cardinals and the Pirates on the road, a trip that will almost assuredly decide their playoff fate and most likely the fate of the soul of baseball itself. It's started off well with a very Cardinals 3-2 extra innings win when a bloop single from a September call up scored Gomez, who had just stolen two bases of off an apparently uninterested Yadier Molina. I know many Brewers fans are at their wit's end after the Brewers' disastrous tumble from the division lead to third in the wild card race, so here's a handy guide on how to cope as you take in these final 11 games.

1) Drink a lot: There's only one game left on the Brewers schedule that would conflict with your normal 9-5 work schedule (a ghastly 11:35 am start against the Reds next Thursday), so there's really no reason why you wouldn't be able to have a healthy buzz on before the singer drops the the final note on "brave" every day. I recommend avoiding  Budweiser and Yuengling products at all costs, as well as anything containing the words "Steel City" to avoid accidentally causing the baseball gods to believe you're supporting the Cards or Bucs. Should you be worried about having a hangover at work the following morning, a good rule of thumb is to limit yourself to one beer for every two innings*. Of course a nice, frosty Miller Lite would be ideal, but if you're desperate, you can just dump whatever you have into one of the souvenir margarita mugs your girlfriend just needs to have at every game you drag her to.

*double this rate for any inning in which K-Rod appears

2) Watch this video: Over and over.

3) Switch games:  Should the tide of play seem to be inexorably turned against the Crew, it is permisible at this stage of the season to switch your MLB.tv feed to the Pirates game, to instead root for their opponent. With just two weeks to play, a Pirates loss counts just as much as a Brewers win. Should you find yourself in this scenario during the Pirates series, simply switch to the Yankees feed and laugh at the incessant slobbering over Derek Jeter's shambling corpse. Under no circumstances should you switch to the Cubs game, lest you fill yourself with dread at the thought of facing a decade of Soler-Baez-Rizzo-Castoooooooh my god we're screwed.

4) Remain calm and remember it's just a game: LOL just kidding, panic.